On Loan

I have received many gifts in my life. Some tangible some not. But 2 of my greatest gifts came, nearly 4 years apart.

My first gift came on NOvember 30, 2006 at 4:41 pm. Luke Vincent Wachter, weighing in at 8lbs 1 oz and 19 1/2 in long was gifted to me after 25 hours of labor. Needless to say, I was happy to see him after struggling to get him here for over a day. He was perfect. I remember looking at him and wondering why God would gift me such a beautiful baby. And he was a good baby. He rarely cried, usually laying contently unless hungry or dirty. He made loving him easy. As he grew, we continually wondered why us? He is a good boy. He listens. He's pretty cute and everyone loves to be around him. As he has grown, I continue to pray that God helps and allows me to raise this gift in a way that honors HIM. Because this much I know, he is not mine, merely a loan from God. And what a loan he is.

My second gift came this week. Molly Evalyn Wachter joined our first gift on February 15, 2011 at 5:10 pm, weighing in at 8lbs 1oz, 19 1/2 inches. She has proven to be a cuddly, loving, sweet baby girl who can also be opinionated and impatient - maybe a little like her mother. Again, as I sit here after an early morning feeding, why us? We received not 1 but 2 loans that light up my life. Why me?

And as I sit here and wonder, the Lord speaks to me and says, why not you? You see I see myself and my husband through my eyes. I see our flaws, our parenting failures and our marital weaknesses. I see all the things that make me unworthy of such precious loans. But, you see, God sees me the way I see my gifts. He sees all the things in me that make me a good mom, all the qualities that I fail to recognize. All the qualities that, as God looks at me as his gift, makes Him fall in love with His creation.

So, what have these loans taught me. First and foremost I am reminded that this loan is temporary. I have a limited window of influence on my children. How will I spend it? Will I look at the crayon on the wall as a curse or a blessing? Will I discipline and correct my child to better them as our Heavenly Father does or will I allow them to walk all over me and give in because it's just easier than to put up a fight? How will I spend the terms of this loan? Will I invest back into my kids or take advantage of the Lord's generosity and assume I deserve it?

My loans have also allowed me to see my husband through a new lens. Do we get caught up in the mess that is work and family and just life? Absolutely. But as I watch my husband tenderly change diapers, whisper kind words in their ears, and scoop them up when they need him, I am reminded that he as well is a loan. I am not promised happily ever after. I'm not even promised happily next week. MY partner is a loan to me. How am I showing my children how to honor their father and their future spouse? Watching him with OUR loans reminds me that how he folds the towels, replaces the toilet paper, or drives in traffic is small potatoes. Why do we allow Satan to use the irrelevant habits of our spouse to disrupt our entire family interactions? My loans help me see my husband through their eyes. They love their daddy and knowing I have been loaned a great daddy makes this process of parenting seem so much more doable.

As I stare into the eyes of my newest loan, I think about Mary, staring into the eyes of a child she would have to return. A loan that I am sure her flesh felt like was too short. Am i living everyday as if it were the last day of my loan? Do I use every goodbye as an opportunity to tell my loans how much they mean to me, or am I just living like I deserve these 3 loans and will always be here. 3 loans with an infinite timeframe? Reality is, one day I will have to give my loans back. Am I using everyday to honor this loan? The answer, NO.

I fail each day. I am impatient, irrational, ungrateful, and ill-prepared. But, I will strive each day to treat these loans as the wonderful gifts that they are. To remember that my Jeremy, my Lukey, and my Molly are my 3 greatest earthly blessings. I will strive each day to remember.