Looking for the lesson

Let me preface this post by saying that I am in no way seeking a compliment nor rational advice. Merely being transparent and relaying some thoughts that are spinning around in my head. So often, I feel alone in this whole mom thing. I feel like I fail so often. I find encouragement when I see that other moms are not as together as I thought. SO here goes ...

I have asked God many times today, where is the lesson? What are you trying to teach me that I am not seeing? In the past 3 weeks, My husband has been sick, I delievered a baby, my son came down with RSV, my daugheter was jaundice, my daughter tested positive for RSV, and the list could really keep going. My family has felt pretty well stepped on.

Today as I sat in the doctor's office with my nearly naked baby in my arms, waiting for the doctor, I asked God, "What are you trying to teach me? Can I learn this lesson in a different way?" Unfortunately, He didn't answer or send some parting of the Red Sea kind of answer.

The only answer I can come up with is just wait, be patient, surrender. I don't know about you, but those are some pretty difficult things to ask of any mom, but especially a postpartum, emotional, irrational, hurting mama. And yet, I seem to find comfort in that. I find comfort in knowing that I know the ONE I can surrender my babies to.

When I left the doctor's office, I sat crying hysterically in my car for a few minutes. And I just kept repeating, "I know they're not mine, they're yours." And that was all I could pray.

As I drove away, all I could think about was how I needed my precious infant prayed over. So I drove to my church. I had called Lora Fuller to ask her to have a pastor ready when I got there. But when I arrived, there was not one pastor, but 2. ANd not 2 pastors but a whole group of people from the church staff and MCS that huddled around my baby girl and laid hands on her. As they prayed over her in our little holy huddle, I really felt the presence of God. And as they prayed, I could utter but few words and just cry, surrendering it all to Him.

Did I learn a lesson today? I think I did. Can I verbalize? Not yet. I think like so many situations in our lives, the lesson doesn't become clear until our crisis has passed. But I have faith that it will pass.