Looking for the lesson

Let me preface this post by saying that I am in no way seeking a compliment nor rational advice. Merely being transparent and relaying some thoughts that are spinning around in my head. So often, I feel alone in this whole mom thing. I feel like I fail so often. I find encouragement when I see that other moms are not as together as I thought. SO here goes ...

I have asked God many times today, where is the lesson? What are you trying to teach me that I am not seeing? In the past 3 weeks, My husband has been sick, I delievered a baby, my son came down with RSV, my daugheter was jaundice, my daughter tested positive for RSV, and the list could really keep going. My family has felt pretty well stepped on.

Today as I sat in the doctor's office with my nearly naked baby in my arms, waiting for the doctor, I asked God, "What are you trying to teach me? Can I learn this lesson in a different way?" Unfortunately, He didn't answer or send some parting of the Red Sea kind of answer.

The only answer I can come up with is just wait, be patient, surrender. I don't know about you, but those are some pretty difficult things to ask of any mom, but especially a postpartum, emotional, irrational, hurting mama. And yet, I seem to find comfort in that. I find comfort in knowing that I know the ONE I can surrender my babies to.

When I left the doctor's office, I sat crying hysterically in my car for a few minutes. And I just kept repeating, "I know they're not mine, they're yours." And that was all I could pray.

As I drove away, all I could think about was how I needed my precious infant prayed over. So I drove to my church. I had called Lora Fuller to ask her to have a pastor ready when I got there. But when I arrived, there was not one pastor, but 2. ANd not 2 pastors but a whole group of people from the church staff and MCS that huddled around my baby girl and laid hands on her. As they prayed over her in our little holy huddle, I really felt the presence of God. And as they prayed, I could utter but few words and just cry, surrendering it all to Him.

Did I learn a lesson today? I think I did. Can I verbalize? Not yet. I think like so many situations in our lives, the lesson doesn't become clear until our crisis has passed. But I have faith that it will pass.

Oy!

2 Corinthians 4:

7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

13 It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.”[b] Since we have that same spirit of[c] faith, we also believe and therefore speak, 14 because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. 15 All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.



Over the past 30 minutes or so, I have been meditating over these verses. DO you ever feel like life keeps smacking you in the face? I know I sure do, especially over the last week. Whew, a week where we should be lost in love with our two beautiful lessons, yet we have allowed our flesh to focus on the troubles we have seen.

Heal sticks, postpartum blues, recovery, etc have been smacking us around. Luke has also not been feeling well, hacking and snotty over the last week. Jeremy kept trying to convince me to take him to the doctor and I kept trying to convince him that it wasn't worth the copay to be told he has a virus.

So today, Lukey finally went to the doctor. I reluctantly called the ped and got him in, even though I KNEW, I'm telepathic you know, what the doc would say. But guess what, I was wrong. He is not only wheezing, like my husband said, he also has a possible case of RSV. Then our toilet broke AND I was confronted with the lovely reality of what paychecks will now look like when my unpaid leave is deducted.

Can you say pity party????

But as I stood in my kitchen this afternoon making iced tea, God brought these verses to mind. And I began to think, is this really so bad? Does Luke being sick stink? Yes. Does the thought of my baby girl getting sick make me want to vomit? absolutely. Do we want to buy a new toilet? Absolutely not.

BUT ....

Am I blessed with 2 beautiful children? Uh huh. Luke is not only on the tail-end of this nastiness but will probably get to go to school Monday (PLease Lord) if he can stay fever free since he is now on roids :). We have a nice home, food in our bellies and clothes on our backs.

As I thought about these verses I think about all the REALLY sick babies out there. Babies that may never leave the hospital. It doesn't make me any less unhappy that my own baby is suffering, but it sure puts it in perspective.

My focus has been off. Instead of focusing on the ONE who holds the plan, I have been derailed by the twists plan. I forget that what is seen is temporary. This too shall pass. One day I will look back on these days and what will I remember? I probably won't focus on remembering the sleepless nights or hours of disinfecting. I hope I will remember snuggling my babies and cherishing the short time that they stay little.

So I still don't think I have "LET GO" like I talked about the other day. My flesh is still trying to convince me that I can fix this. But I can't, HE CAN. I choose to focus on Him, knowing that he loves my babies more than I ever could or would. And perhaps He is using this experience to give me a glimpse into how His heart must break as He watches us suffer. As He watches so many of his own children turn their back on the ONE who promises to walk with us, no matter the circumstances.

Now, off to wipe noses, butts and counters. But not with the same cloth :)

Letting Go

This past week has been challenging to say the least. When we brought our precious little girl home, I had no idea the journey that lay before us. Much like our coming home with Lukey (minus the ice, no power, burst pipes, etc.), little Miss Molly's liver decided it wasn't quite ready to function properly. So we made daily trips to the hospital to check her bili levels. And we watched them rise ... and rise ... and rise some more. RIse so much that she exceeded her brother's levels for which he spent 4 days in Cardinal Glennon. But, thanks to new understanding of jaundice and tolerable levels, we were able to keep our baby girl home and let her glow her little heart out on her bili blanket - or her light saber as her brother calls it. And throughout this past week, people meant well with their comments. She'll be fine they said. It's common said another. All my kids dealt with that. And in hind-sight, it is really easy to "LET GO" and say such words, but I found no comfort in those comments. You see, when you are hormonal, overwhelmed but comepletly in love with your "perfect" baby, it is heart-breaking to watch a nurse come in every day, slice their foot open and then squeeze the snot, blood actually, out of it as your little writhes in pain.

However, as her levels began to drop, then go back up, but drop nonetheless, I was finally able to "LET GO" and let God handle it. Did you catch that ... AFTER it had resolved.

So, when I finally "LET GO" of one problem, we were faced with yet another. About 2 weeks ago, Jeremy came down with a horrible cold/cough. He took great measures to protect me, our then unborn baby and LUke. SO much so that he wore a mask around the house while Lysoling every surface he could. We anxiously waited, fully expecting for that nasty ailment to work it's way through the rest of our family. TO our surprise, it didn't. We delivered a beautiful baby girl to an (almost) healthy family. Jeremy got better day by day and we were so surprised that Luke hadn't caught any of it. Hadn't caught any of it until Sunday. Sunday the cough started, and then tonight fever. And again I am faced with the decision of Letting Go.

Why is it that we, or maybe just I, struggle so much with just "LETTING GO?" Does the Bible not tell us: “And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” – Phil 4:19; “These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33; John 14:1 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.

So as I sit here thinking about my oldest baby laying in bed, feverish, hacking, and feeling down right terrible and thinking about my littlest baby in her bassinet, vulnerable, new, and precious, I have a choice. Do I "LET GO" of this worry or do I let it consume me. Do I use my baby blues as an excuse to sit up and cry and watch them sleep as if that will somehow protect them, or do I "LET GO" knowing I control nothing? I would love to say the choice is easy. And I think it involved any other aspect of my life besides one of my precious loans, the decision would probably be a nondecision, I would just do it.

As I go to bed, in a few hours, I will have to make my choice. Do I "LET GO" and put into practice all of the verses that I spew at others, or do I hold on to it all as if I can change or fix anything on my own?

On Loan

I have received many gifts in my life. Some tangible some not. But 2 of my greatest gifts came, nearly 4 years apart.

My first gift came on NOvember 30, 2006 at 4:41 pm. Luke Vincent Wachter, weighing in at 8lbs 1 oz and 19 1/2 in long was gifted to me after 25 hours of labor. Needless to say, I was happy to see him after struggling to get him here for over a day. He was perfect. I remember looking at him and wondering why God would gift me such a beautiful baby. And he was a good baby. He rarely cried, usually laying contently unless hungry or dirty. He made loving him easy. As he grew, we continually wondered why us? He is a good boy. He listens. He's pretty cute and everyone loves to be around him. As he has grown, I continue to pray that God helps and allows me to raise this gift in a way that honors HIM. Because this much I know, he is not mine, merely a loan from God. And what a loan he is.

My second gift came this week. Molly Evalyn Wachter joined our first gift on February 15, 2011 at 5:10 pm, weighing in at 8lbs 1oz, 19 1/2 inches. She has proven to be a cuddly, loving, sweet baby girl who can also be opinionated and impatient - maybe a little like her mother. Again, as I sit here after an early morning feeding, why us? We received not 1 but 2 loans that light up my life. Why me?

And as I sit here and wonder, the Lord speaks to me and says, why not you? You see I see myself and my husband through my eyes. I see our flaws, our parenting failures and our marital weaknesses. I see all the things that make me unworthy of such precious loans. But, you see, God sees me the way I see my gifts. He sees all the things in me that make me a good mom, all the qualities that I fail to recognize. All the qualities that, as God looks at me as his gift, makes Him fall in love with His creation.

So, what have these loans taught me. First and foremost I am reminded that this loan is temporary. I have a limited window of influence on my children. How will I spend it? Will I look at the crayon on the wall as a curse or a blessing? Will I discipline and correct my child to better them as our Heavenly Father does or will I allow them to walk all over me and give in because it's just easier than to put up a fight? How will I spend the terms of this loan? Will I invest back into my kids or take advantage of the Lord's generosity and assume I deserve it?

My loans have also allowed me to see my husband through a new lens. Do we get caught up in the mess that is work and family and just life? Absolutely. But as I watch my husband tenderly change diapers, whisper kind words in their ears, and scoop them up when they need him, I am reminded that he as well is a loan. I am not promised happily ever after. I'm not even promised happily next week. MY partner is a loan to me. How am I showing my children how to honor their father and their future spouse? Watching him with OUR loans reminds me that how he folds the towels, replaces the toilet paper, or drives in traffic is small potatoes. Why do we allow Satan to use the irrelevant habits of our spouse to disrupt our entire family interactions? My loans help me see my husband through their eyes. They love their daddy and knowing I have been loaned a great daddy makes this process of parenting seem so much more doable.

As I stare into the eyes of my newest loan, I think about Mary, staring into the eyes of a child she would have to return. A loan that I am sure her flesh felt like was too short. Am i living everyday as if it were the last day of my loan? Do I use every goodbye as an opportunity to tell my loans how much they mean to me, or am I just living like I deserve these 3 loans and will always be here. 3 loans with an infinite timeframe? Reality is, one day I will have to give my loans back. Am I using everyday to honor this loan? The answer, NO.

I fail each day. I am impatient, irrational, ungrateful, and ill-prepared. But, I will strive each day to treat these loans as the wonderful gifts that they are. To remember that my Jeremy, my Lukey, and my Molly are my 3 greatest earthly blessings. I will strive each day to remember.