Sharing our Struggles

<sup>2 Corinthians 1: 3-7

3</sup> Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ⁵ For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. ⁶ If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. ⁷ And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.


This week, the topic of blogging came up. I had expressed to some friends that I have a blog that I mess with from time to time. I don't necessarily keep up with it or post it because I don't want others thinking I am using a hardship in my life to gain attention. Yes, insecure would probably be a better description. However, one of my friends encouraged me. She asked, "Do you like to read blogs about other people's experiences?" Well, yeah. Of course I do. But I'm me, not "other people," right? Then she read the verse above. And it convicted me. If I can journal my thoughts, and those thoughts help just ONE person through a dark time, then it is worth the risk of being vulnerable and transparent. 


I must say that the last week has been very hard. Hard for many reasons, with the main reason being the longing for my Logan. His birthday (albeit his Heavenly birthday, a birthday nonetheless) is just around the corner and he's about all I can think about. I try so hard to put my brave face on but the emotions over the last week have made that near impossible.

Today, I was fortunate enough to share in the joy of my coworker welcoming a new baby into the world. She's a beautiful baby. But again, the enemy was on the attack. The whole day as we waited for her to arrive he plagued my thoughts. Jealousy and loss enveloped me in it's suffocating toxin. So, I did only that which I could do. I prayed. I prayed fervently that God would have His hand of protection on this mama and her precious baby. I prayed that He would provide safety and happiness for this new family member they would soon enjoy. I prayed. I prayed and I CHOSE to be happy. I CHOSE to rejoice with them. It would have been much easier to wallow and allow envy to tarnish the entrance of this miracle into the world. But, instead, I CHOSE Christ. 

It was a hard choice. A choice accompanied with many tears. The Lord stirred in me that tears are not a sign a weakness. My tears are a sign of appreciation for the life that I was allowed to carry for such a short time. A sign that I truly understand the magnitude of the blessing of life. 

As I left the hospital today, I searched the halls for the footprints of my babies. I was overwhelmed as I looked at the tiny feet that I once carried inside me. I was filled with gratitude for the two beautiful lives that God has CHOSEN me to mother. I am honored to have been given not 1, but 2 blessings to care for on this earth when so many don't even get 1. If God CHOSE me, then I must CHOOSE Him. Even when it's hard. Even, when my flesh doesn't want to.

I'd love to say that my tears have dried up, but they haven't. However, it gets a little easier each time I CHOOSE Christ. I suppose it would have been easier not to walk this road of loss, but then I wouldn't be writing these thoughts ... and YOU wouldn't be reading this blog.

I serve a BIG GOD during times of plenty, I must serve that same God during times of want. I just keep reminding myself, He works ALL things for GOOD! He has done good in me ... He is DOING good in me. Regardless of what the enemy continues to whisper in my ear, my God loves me, He cares for me, and He chooses ME! The question is, will I choose Him even if that means walking a hard, lonely road? Will I allow my baby's death to be for nothing or will I use it advance the Kingdom of Christ? Will I allow the fullness of Christ to radiate from me despite the failings of my flesh? I pray I do ...

March 8th Reflections

4 years ago today, the lives of so many changed. I will forever be haunted by the call I received from my mom. "Andrea, do not come to church. Someone shot Pastor Fred. We are locked in a room. We don't know if there are more shooters. I love you. Good bye." I'm sure that's not word for word what I heard from her lips, but it's what I remember. It's what replays in my head every time i hear the date "March 8th."


 Some days, March 8th feels like an eternity ago. Days like today, however, make it seem like the wounds are still so fresh. Days like today stir my own grief. Days like today are days I am grateful pass quickly.

 As I sit here reflecting on what March 8th was and what it means now, God has impressed a thought on me:

If you won't accept the fullness of Heaven, then you will never completely find peace with your grief.

I don't like it when He impresses these things on me. I don't like it because it forces me to step outside of my wallowing, admit the failings of my flesh, and rely upon Him for my every need. I find that nights like tonight smack me in the face with my own grief. My sadness. My failure to fully accept that Heaven is a perfect place. My failure to understand that Heaven is a place we should long for. My failure to understand that this world is fleeting. My failure to be happy for those living a life of eternal fullness but instead focus on my depth of emptiness without their presence.

 I think this March 8th is so different for me. Prior to Fred's death, I hadn't really "lost" anyone. I never had to think about Heaven much because it didn't really affect me. This year, we are nearly one year away from the loss of our sweet boy Logan. This year, March 8th smacks me in the face with the reality of Heaven.

This year, I have to make a willful choice to believe the truths about Heaven I have always read and studied. I hate grief. I hate loss. I hate that anyone should have to suffer the pain of missing someone so precious to them. I suppose this is just an ounce of what our Savior feels. He chose to die knowing so many would turn from Him. So many people He cherished would choose to walk away from Him. How thankful I am for an Almighty Savior that passionately pursues me despite all my weakness and failings. Yet how ungrateful I must seem when his greatest gift of Heaven is one that I mourn tonight as I miss some really special people. Revelation 21:4 "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”