March 8th Reflections

4 years ago today, the lives of so many changed. I will forever be haunted by the call I received from my mom. "Andrea, do not come to church. Someone shot Pastor Fred. We are locked in a room. We don't know if there are more shooters. I love you. Good bye." I'm sure that's not word for word what I heard from her lips, but it's what I remember. It's what replays in my head every time i hear the date "March 8th."


 Some days, March 8th feels like an eternity ago. Days like today, however, make it seem like the wounds are still so fresh. Days like today stir my own grief. Days like today are days I am grateful pass quickly.

 As I sit here reflecting on what March 8th was and what it means now, God has impressed a thought on me:

If you won't accept the fullness of Heaven, then you will never completely find peace with your grief.

I don't like it when He impresses these things on me. I don't like it because it forces me to step outside of my wallowing, admit the failings of my flesh, and rely upon Him for my every need. I find that nights like tonight smack me in the face with my own grief. My sadness. My failure to fully accept that Heaven is a perfect place. My failure to understand that Heaven is a place we should long for. My failure to understand that this world is fleeting. My failure to be happy for those living a life of eternal fullness but instead focus on my depth of emptiness without their presence.

 I think this March 8th is so different for me. Prior to Fred's death, I hadn't really "lost" anyone. I never had to think about Heaven much because it didn't really affect me. This year, we are nearly one year away from the loss of our sweet boy Logan. This year, March 8th smacks me in the face with the reality of Heaven.

This year, I have to make a willful choice to believe the truths about Heaven I have always read and studied. I hate grief. I hate loss. I hate that anyone should have to suffer the pain of missing someone so precious to them. I suppose this is just an ounce of what our Savior feels. He chose to die knowing so many would turn from Him. So many people He cherished would choose to walk away from Him. How thankful I am for an Almighty Savior that passionately pursues me despite all my weakness and failings. Yet how ungrateful I must seem when his greatest gift of Heaven is one that I mourn tonight as I miss some really special people. Revelation 21:4 "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”