Thankful for Perspective

I haven't written on this blog for awhile. I've gone to log in many times but always stopped myself for I knew that the words I would spill out would only further exaggerate my pity party instead of offering hope or the joy of Christ. However, as I enter what should have been the last week of my third pregnancy, I have felt prompted to put my thoughts down. One of the most difficult things I have found about losing a baby is the cover up. It is such an uncomfortable topic for many and so it is often ignored. I truly don't think this is done because people don't care. Actually, I feel the opposite is true. People don't ask BECAUSE they care. They don't ask because they don't want to upset. The reverse is also true. Those living through the experience don't bring up the topic so as not to make others uncomfortable. But guess what ... Life's uncomfortable. Without the hardships in life, we could never fully appreciate the goodness of Christ. Without trials and doubt and heartache, we would never have to rely on HIM to supply our every need. I've been thinking a lot about Romans 8:28 lately. But before I tell you why, let me back up. You see, I always wanted 3 kids. I had always said "3 by 30." After the birth of our daughter, it became pretty clear to us that 2 was going to be what we could handle financially. To our shock, we became pregnant with our third. We were stunned. We didn't have a vehicle for 5 people. How would we afford ANOTHER 5 years of daycare? How would we cover my maternity leave? How? Why? What? You name it, we asked it and we were terrified. But over the first few weeks after finding out, we got used to the idea, even excited. I had had a complication with Molly so when I started experiencing the same symptoms with baby #3, I didn't think much about it. It made me nervous, but I tried to focus on the good that had come out of my last pregnancy. Knowing my history, my doc sent me for an ultrasound around 9 weeks. I took Luke with me so he could be the first to see his new baby sibling. I remember laying there. I couldn't wait for the tech to show me my baby. Instead, I was asked to go upstairs to see my doctor. I could tell by the look on her face. I went upstairs and they got me in immediately - another clue because we ALL know OB offices are never on time. When my doctor came in, she took my son to sit with a nurse. She sat down and I just cried. She hadn't gotten a single word out before I fell to pieces. So many emotions rushed through me. The baby I had once questioned was now gone. Emptiness immediately took hold. My doctor took my hand. She walked me through her own miscarriage experience and then she prayed with me. She prayed and she cried with me. She offered me to options: miscarry naturally or surgery. Without hesitation, I chose surgery. I just wanted it over. Much of the rest of the next few days are a blur. Lots of tears, lots of hugs, and lots of WHY? For the sake of closure, we decided our baby is a boy. We named him. I felt by naming him, it helped give significance to my grief. I didn't like saying "it" all the time. Our baby is not an "it", our baby is a baby. I remember that after my surgery, my mom brought Luke back to our house. He is such a tender-hearted boy and he knew that something had changed. And he asked me. We had a sweet conversation about our baby and how our baby now gets to be with Jesus. "Can we go see him?" he would ask. Oh how I wish we could. The next several months were filled with many conversations like that. We still talk frequently about his baby brother and how we can't wait to go see him. These conversations are how Romans 8:28 came alive in our house. In Romans, we are told that God works ALL things to the good of those who love the Lord. Not that good things always happen, but that He can use any situation for His glory. I really hate that we lost a baby, I really do. I hate that any woman has to know that her baby has died inside her body BUT I am aware of the good that came from the trial as well. On October 18, 2012, Luke asked if his baby brother was really in Heaven. We went through the same dialogue we had been going through for months. But that night was different. That night, something clicked. He became completely and totally aware of his sin and the separation from God caused by that sin. He also became aware of how much he one day wanted to enter Heaven and spend eternity with his brother. That night, my son became a believer. That night, my son received eternal life because he has a baby brother who he never was able to hold but still taught him a powerful lesson. THAT night, Romans 8:28 came alive in our living room. God took our grief and our disappointment and used it to save my son. God showed himself to me in a way He never had prior to that time. His promises became evident to my sinful, undeserving self. So as I sit, I think about how much I wish I could have read a story like that when we lost our baby. Perhaps our story can offer perspective to someone traveling through a storm right this very moment. Perhaps the Lord prompted me to write to provide more healing for myself. I don't know why. But I do know that when I follow His prompts, He shows himself through my obedience. November 28, 2012 should have been a day of celebration as we welcomed our baby Logan into this world. Instead, it will be a day that we reflect on God's goodness. A day where I will CHOOSE to pause and see HIS provision triumphs all of our trials if we allow His presence to fill us. I would be lying if I said I wasn't sad. I am sad. I long to hold my sweet baby, but I also CHOOSE to give thanks for the 2 beautiful children I get to hold each and every day this side of eternity. I choose hope. I choose peace. I choose gratitude. Our story isn't done. We are still a work in progress. But I am so thankful for a God that continues to pursue me. Continues to make Himself known to me when I am willing to be aware. Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,before you were born I set you apart"